A Hallelujah Lullaby
by NotYourBestFriend
Summary: Bella is a broken girl who can't find words after she finds herself pregnant with her rapists baby. Edward is a dark man who hates women after his wife cheats on him and his birth mother abandons him. They think no one understands the pain. They're wrong.
1. Chapter 1

**I know I said that Raising Flames was going to be the diamond in the rough, but I lied. I just wasn't feeling that story and I took it down for my own good. My family always tells me I am a hoarder and as it turns out, I hoard stories too because I can't bring myself to delete any of them. Though I can tell everyone right now, You Don't Know The Half Of It, Where The Sun Don't Shine, Everything I've Ever Done and Exploring Reality will not be updated for a very long time. The Downers, however, will be updated as soon as I get my shit together. Please, enjoy the story. It took me a hella long time to write all this. But I love every moment of it. Please review. Like a bra, it gives a girl confidence.**

* * *

"I. Hate. You."

...those were the last words I said to my Mother before she killed herself.

It made me feel all the more guilty, knowing those were the last words she heard from her own daughter before she took her own life. I tell myself everyday that it wasn't my fault and that she was just too depressed to cope, but I know she wasn't depressed. My Mother had been one of most care free, joyous people in the world and for her to take those pills like that...it made me want to scream. A Mother should never leave her children. It makes me sick to my stomach that she could ever come to the conclusion that I didn't need her anymore. Everyone needs their Mother. Why did mine feel differently?

She had never been to therapy, but I had been pushing her to go. Her past haunted her like terrors in the night and she woke up screaming bloody murder. She broke down crying at the most inappropriate times and certain things made her insane. I wanted her in therapy so that the doctor could maybe prescribe something for her anxiety. It all started two years ago today when she met that terrible man....

He knocked her down. He beat her up. He spat in her blood, he made her feel like she was a worthless whore. That son of a bitch made her so completely dependant on him, there was no way she could ever leave. But I could. And it made her cling to me and my life like glue. She was constantly in my business, trying to offer advice where it wasn't wanted and give me tips that I didn't need. Why couldn't she see I needed space? Why couldn't she see that he was evil? She was so blind to his rage that it made her vulnerable. I knew the minute she brought him home that he was trouble. I never expected her to stick by his side. But she did and it scared the living daylights out of me. To have a monster like that in my own home...I was terrified.

That was why I wanted to go live with Dad. I love my Dad more then anything. He has been my lifeline through all of this, enduring late night phone calls and unannounced visits. He cancelled everything to take care of me and I had finally gotten a glimpse at what life could be. That was why I wanted to go with him. I wanted to leave behind that monster and my weak mother to start a new life with my Father. It made perfect sense. But Mom was scared. What I was unhappy? What if I needed her? Which really meant, what if she was unhappy? What if she needed me?

She was immature. And it made me resent her.

I resented her so much, I rebelled against everything she stood for. If she could have a boyfriend, so could I. I started showing up at all the parties, getting completely trashed and banging on the front door at four in the morning. It got her in even more trouble with the monster, but I couldn't bring myself to care. Maybe this would teach her, I had thought. Maybe she'll finally have enough and let me go with dad. But she trudged in, no matter how far I dragged her through the mud. I had sex. I was careless and I had sex. I let men use me, I let them use my body to make a point. Mom always used to say I was too hard headed for my own good, but I thought differently. Which was exactly her point, in the long run. I wanted her to see how miserable I was. It was supposed to be an act. But over those few months, it started to become real. I was lonely.

I wanted so badly to go with Dad, but I found myself ignoring his calls. Boys would sneak through the window and I would spread my legs like an obedient little slut. That's what they called me. I was somewhat of a legend. A whore legend. Anyone could dip into me, it didn't matter. Boys from all over came and went, leaving me always in a heap on the ground, drowning my sorrows in Jack Daniels. It tore mom apart. But I wanted her to suffer. But I never wanted her to kill herself.

It wasn't until one terrible night. It seemed like it had been years since I had been sober, but it was only four months. Mom and I had gotten into a huge argument that afternoon about my new habits. I told her to go fuck herself. I scolded myself as I was walking home, leaving a party at a local boys house a few miles from my home. If you could even call it a home anymore. A home is defined as somewhere you feel safe, somewhere you belong. I felt like I belonged in hell for all I had done. I was crying, I remember sobbing as I walked down the streets, stumbling. I tumbled onto the ground at one point and curled up in a ball. It was late, nearly three thirty in the morning. I was getting so sleepy, but I knew I couldn't stay there all night. I got up, but I was pushed back down by a presence from behind. I was so disoriented, but I had been quickly coming out of the comatose state. I felt cold all of a sudden. There was something inside me. There was a voice near my ear. It was whispering things, nasty things. I felt myself heaving, choking on my own vomit.

I passed out.

The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. You were attacked, a doctor told me. You were raped and a women found you behind a dumpster on her way to the bus stop. He might have given you something, HIV possibly. We're running tests. You could also be pregnant, but we won't be able to tell you for another month and a half. You can wait, right?

I laid in the hospital all day, silently crying. I hated myself. I brought this on. I did those stupid things, I stayed out until all house. It was my fault. The hospital called Dad, but he was half way across the world. My Father has been a detective for as long as I can remember. He had been working on a case that led him to a brothel in India. Usually, he didn't travel out of his own state, but this case was sticking with him. He booked a flight back home immediately, forgetting about everything but me. I briefly found myself wondering where Mom was, but I brushed it off. I didn't want her there, I told myself. She would just use it against me. It wasn't until that night when the nurses still hadn't heard back from her, when the police sent someone to go find her.

They found her in bed, like she was asleep. The bottle was empty on her table, along with a small manila envelope with three letters inside. One for me, one for dad and one for the monster. The police read everyone of them, and charged the monster with negligent homicide. When the officers showed up at the hospital and told me what happened...I couldn't feel anything but relief. She was gone. I could go live with dad and everything would be good. But after I had talked to the police about both cases, the rape and the suicide, dad came to pick me up. I didn't speak. I couldn't find words. The police promised to get back to us if they found any leads, but dad wasn't having that. I ghosted around the house, wondering from room to room, but I always found myself back in his office. I would stand in the doorway and stare as he went over the case again and again. And every time he looked up and saw me, he would get up and hold me. Only in his arms did I let the tears flow. Tears for myself, for my mom, for his suffering. I didn't feel safe in my own body. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

It wasn't until the hospital called us back, did I remember there warnings. You could be infected, they had reminded me. You might even be pregnant. I didn't believe for one second that I was. I had been so loose before without any repercussions, pregnancy seemed like something of a myth. I shook the thought away. When they called, a nurse told my dad over the phone that I was pregnant. Yesterday night, Dad passed the news along to me.

I've been curled up in the tub ever since. I'm covered in puke, My lip is gushing blood, my hands are rubbed raw and dad is threatening to call the psychiatric ward if I don't come out.

I. Hate. Myself.

* * *

It was after midnight when I finally came out of the bathroom. Dad was sitting against the wall next to the door, with his head in his hands. I sat down next him, slowly. He ignored my haggard appearance and took me into his arms, rocking back and forth.

"I'm sorry. Baby girl, I'm so sorry." He murmured, smoothing back my hair. I felt his tears drip down my forehead, as if they were cleansing away those terrible memories. I let them drip until he pulled away and brushed them off. "I love you, baby. I'm so sorry."

I kept my hands clasped on his shirt. I hadn't spoken since I talked to the police. It was like my voice was gone. Without words, there was only thoughts. That meant I could lose myself in whatever world I wanted, escaping the pain spreading through my heart. I could close my eyes and pretend I wasn't there. I was afraid if I spoke, words would come out and I would tell someone what I said to her. What I said to mom before she swallowed those pills. I was afraid dad would blame me and I would end up just like her. Dead, absorbed by the pain and the lonely misery.

He carried me to bed, laying me down like a toddler. He tucked me in, not bothering to mention my still rotten clothing. I slept until three thirty. That was when the nightmares started. That was when everything had started. It was like clockwork in my head, like he was going to come back and rape me again. It was that time of night when I curled up in the fetal position and gasped for air.

The next morning, dad came downstairs to find me on the couch, looking at photo albums. He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, before sighing. I didn't look up at him, I just turned the page. Another happy birthday. Another broken memory.

"Bella, I hate to do this to you. I know school is the very last thing on your mind, but you've missed so much of it." He mumbled, leaning down to kiss the top of my head. "You have two options. We can get you a tutor to catch you up, or I can enroll you in Forks High School."

I didn't respond. I looked blankly at the picture of my young self whimpered. Dad came around to sit beside me. He touched my chin softly and turned me head to look at him. "Honey, I've signed you up for counseling. We have a wonderful rape counselor at the station and I really want you to see her. Regularly."

I turned my head away to look back down at the page. I wanted to say so many things, but I kept my mouth closed. Who knows what I would say if I opened it. He kept me close to him until I finally looked up.

"What is it going to be? School or a tutor?" He asked, gently. I held up a number one, reluctantly. His eyes widened, like he couldn't believe I wanted to interact. I didn't want to socialize, I wanted to cry. But school would get me back to normal, I told myself. I would forget about the monster, I would forget about mom, I would forget about the rape. Everything would go back to normal. Everything would go back to how it was before mom ever brought home the monster.

"Are you sure?" Dad finally asked, surprised. "I know you're still hurting, sweetheart. Talk to me. Please?"

I shook my head, flipping to the next page. My eyes landed on a large picture of mom in the middle of the page, holding me in the hospital. I froze. Dad felt my rigid movement. He took the scrapbook slowly from my hands and closed it with a small snap. I closed my eyes, savoring the silence. He stood up from the coach, letting it creak under us.

"Alright. I'll call the school on my lunch break and enroll you. Okay?" He asked, checking again before he did anything. When I didn't answer, I heard him pick up his shoes from next to the door and slip them off. Since he was a detective, he didn't need to wear the uniform anymore. He wore whatever he wanted, but the gun belt still sat prominently on the coat rack. He slipped it on, quickly, like I would take it from him and suddenly go into a frenzy. I pulled my legs up to my chest and shivered as Dad opened the front door. "Goodbye, Bells. Try and get some sleep."

Sleep? I'd rather die than see all those images in my head. Sleeping was like reliving Phoenix. All I wanted to do was live in the moment, live in Washington. I wanted a normal life.

I wanted my mom.

* * *

It was around six o'clock when the front door opened again and I heard the heavy footsteps of my father in the foyer. He took his gun belt off and tossed his shoes to the ground, before trudging into the living room. He stopped when he saw me in the same position he left me in.

"Have you moved?" He demanded, scrunching his eyebrows. "Bella?"

I shook my head. He walked over and sat down next to me, carefully. I looked at him with watery eyes. and he knew what I was thinking about. I fell into the safe haven of my Dad's arms and cried. It was quiet, but my breathing escaped me. I gasped, leaving a wet stain on his shirt. He rubbed my arm, letting me get it all out before trying to speak.

"I called the school. Bella, are you sure you don't want a tutor? I think it would be easier on you." He said, smoothly. I shook my head, stubbornly. He hung his head. "They said you could start tomorrow. But, Bella, you're not ready to-"

I pulled back and widened my eyes, frantically. I shook my head from side to side, silently telling him what I wanted. He looked down at me with the eyes I inherited and I could see how torn he was. "Sweetheart, you don't understand. You're...unbalanced. I have to ask you something really important, Bella....Do you want to get rid of this baby?"

It was a hard slap in the face. Like he had punched me, blindly in the stomach and all the wind was knocked out of me. I found the tears flowing again. I leaned into his chest yet again, shaking my head.

Something's were just too precious to be rid of. After all the death I had seen, all the pain...killing a baby would just send me over the edge. If anything good came out of this at all, it would be this child. I would protect this baby. I would save this baby like I couldn't save my mother. I would be a mother. And I would never leave my children.

"If you say so." Dad murmured, nodding his head. "But I still don't think you're quite ready to start school tomorrow. How about next week?"

I protested with my eyes. He relented, giving into my silent cries. "Fine. Tomorrow. But I'm coming in with you."

I nodded, agreeing with him. I wrapped my arms around his waist, basking in the feeling of safety. It was such a foreign thing...I almost forgot what it felt like.

* * *

"You're sure you'll be alright today?" Dad asked as we waited in the front office. I rubbed my hands together nervously and bit my lip. I nodded my head in response to his question, breathing in the scent of cafeteria food and #2 pencils. It made me sick to my stomach. "Baby, I don't know about-"

"Detective Swan! How nice to see you!" A large voice cried from a door behind us. I cringed and leaned closer to Dad. He wrapped a protective arm around me.

"Mr. Greene, if you could keep your voice down." Dad said, dangerously. "I'd like to speak with you in your office for a moment, if you don't mind. Bella, will you be okay out here by yourself?"

I reluctantly nodded, sitting down in one of the uncomfortable chairs the front office provided. The secretary looked at me oddly for a minute after Dad and Mr. Greene disappeared into a small room in the corner. I heard their voices faintly and focused on the clicking of the keys on the keyboard. I closed my eyes and ignored the footsteps in the hall or how they slowed as they peered in to stare at me. I ignored the curious secretary and kept to myself. It seemed like hours before the men finally came out, shaking hands like old buddies.

"Well, Bella, it sounds like you're a real achiever. It will be great having you at the school." Mr. Greene said. His expression changed from one of happiness to one of sympathy. I cursed myself mentally for being so helpless. "Don't worry, you're teachers have been notified. You don't have to worry about anyone else knowing."

I was a little offended that he believed I was ashamed of my child. I was terribly scared of my child, but I wasn't ashamed of it. I was ashamed of how it got there. I was ashamed of the choices I made, I was ashamed of the things I had done to make this happen. I was ashamed of myself, never this baby. I gave the man a cold stare. He turned uncomfortably back to Dad.

"Well, Detective Swan, I think we've gone over all there is to go over. We have Bella signed up for her selected classes and she is definitely in the higher achievement group. It's not a very big school, but we can have someone come up and show her around if you would like?" He suggested, crossing his arms. Dad glanced at me with a hard expression. He was asking what I wanted.

I looked around the office, wrapping my arms around myself. I nodded my head, deciding it would be better to have a familiar face. All these unfamiliar surroundings were making me shiver. I had been so afraid for so long. I didn't want to be afraid here. This had been my goal the entire time. I wanted to come to Forks, I wanted to live with Dad. But this wasn't the way I wanted to get here.

"Yes, that would be nice." Dad answered for me. Mr. Greene looked unphased by this, so I assumed Dad had filled him in on my lack of speech. I hung my head in embarassment.

"Mrs. Cope, can you please get on that?" Mr. Greene asked, politely. She gave me a sad smile and picked up the phone on her desk, dialing a number. She said something I couldn't quite catch into the receiver, before hanging up. Mr. Greene looked down at my with a wide, fake smile.

"I think you'll really like it here, Bella. We have a wonderful ambassador program, you'll surely love your tour guide. She's a real sweetheart." He said, nodding. I continued to stare at my tattered shoes, drifting back off into my head. Dad nudged my toe, softly, reminding me to focus. We had a long talk last night before I went to bed.

_"Bella, I'm so worried about you." He said, sitting down on the edge of my bed. I shook my head, signaling for him not to be worried. "Sweetheart, why won't you talk to me?"_

_I looked down at my quilt, remembering the happier times I had in this room. Nana rocking in the chair across from the bed, singing me to sleep. Dad waking me up on my birthday with my favorite banana waffles. Even Mom, wiping away my tears as I cried about the bad dreams. But that was a good time, before the fighting started. Before Mom took me away._

_Dad continued to stare at me. "Whoever did this will never hurt you again. I'll make sure of it."_

_I looked up, peering at him with curious eyes. How would he do that? He scooted closer to me, like he used to do when I was child. I almost felt like asking him to tell me a story._

_"You're safe here, Bella." He assured me, patting my leg. "I know you miss your Mom. And I also know you feel guilty."_

_I felt my eyes watering. I nodded, looking anywhere but his face. I couldn't let him see how guilty I truly felt. "But it wasn't your fault, baby. Your Mother was unhappy, she was ready to go. She loved you."_

_I shook my head, vigorously, protesting that statement. She hated me. She wanted me with her, so I could suffer as much as she was. She brought the monster into our lives and she would have to deal with him herself, I had thought. She didn't want to face her mistakes. She was a child, I had spat during on of our fights. She was an immature child and she needed to face the facts. She was going to get herself killed._

_Why did she take me so literally?_

_"I don't want you to go to school tomorrow." He finally murmured. "I know you, Bella, and I know you think it's going to magically heal you. When I said you'd missed so much, I was thinking you could restart your schooling at home. I want you to talk to our psychiatrist before you do any sort of socializing."_

_I glared at him. I wasn't that fragile, I sniffed in my head. I could deal with it. I could get over this. I would make a good life for me and my baby. I needed to get over this if I ever wanted to do that._

_"You go so far into your head," He observed, gently. "I don't want you to get lost in there. Promise me, that if I let you go, you'll keep your mind from closing in. Promise."_

_I gave him a hard look. For extra measure, I held up my pinky. It was the only way I could use sarcasm without using my voice. He snorted and wrapped his pinky around mine. It was such a small, childish gesture, but it made me feel safer. He was my Father. I knew I was safe with him._

_"I love you, Bella. Try and get some sleep tonight." He said, leaning over to kiss my forehead. _

_But like clockwork, I was awakened at three by the nightmares. I felt the water run down my cheeks and I looked out the window up at the moon. Won't you go away, I asked. Won't you let me be?_

"Excuse me?" I bright, clear voice sounded from the office doorway. We all peered up from our

from our worlds to stare at the tiny girl. She was holding a small blue pass in her hands, looking at us, curiously. "Mrs. Kennedy told me I was needed in the front office."

Mr. Greene cleared his throat. "Ah, yes. Alice , this is our new student, Bella Swan. Would you mind showing her to her classes for the next week or so?"

Her face lit up. "Oh, of course not! Hiya, I'm Alice Cullen! It's so nice to meet you." She chirped, nearly running over. She bent down to hug my shoulders and I froze. Dad quickly cut in with a loud huff, making Alice glance up at him. Mr. Greene motioned for Alice to follow him into his office. She let herself be led away, confused.

Dad sighed, looking down at me. "You okay, baby?"

I nodded, pulling my large jacket even tighter around me. Alice and Mr. Greene came out a moment later, Alice looking as bright as before. She gave me a genuine smile, before holding her hand out. I took it, shakily, letting her lead the handshake.

"Well, I think that's all we need. Detective Swan, it's been a pleasure. I'm sure we'll be seeing each other very soon." Mr. Greene said, happily. Dad rolled his eyes when he wasn't looking and muttered a small, "I'm sure."

Dad looked down at me, raising an eyebrow. I gave him a tiny smile, gesturing towards the door with my head. You can go, I thought. I'll be fine. I want to die, but I'll be absolutely fine. Have a good day at work, I wanted to say like a normal person. Forget about my problems. You have your own, Daddy.

After Dad left, Mr. Greene handed me my schedule and a map of the school, insisting Alice would do an excellent job showing me around. Alice stayed silent the entire time, mimicking my blank expression. But she kept the bright, friendly smile on her face the whole time. I noted how white her teeth were, jealously. Mom had been to in debt to ever even get me braces. She always said I didn't need them and asking Dad was out of the question. Her pride was more important than my happiness.

Alice led me out of the office a moment later. As soon as the office door closed, she turned to me, letting out a sigh. "Sorry about hug in the office. I didn't know you didn't like to be touched."

I shook my head, feeling stupid for not answering. Alice didn't seem to mind. "Mr. Greene told me you weren't too big on talking. That's fine, too. I think I do enough talking for the both of us." She joked, walking down the hallway with a bounce. I followed her like a blind puppy, following its owner.

"He also told me you were kind of, I don't know, depressed. I thought that was kind of weird, him telling me that. I mean, if you wanted me to know, you would have told me. Not that you talk. Oh, I'm sorry! Was that mean? Sometimes I just don't think before I say stuff." She babbled. "I'm Alice, by the way. Wait, you already knew that."

I nodded, picking at a piece lint on my jacket. Alice led me down a hallway with a ton of posters, rattling of some information about the upcoming back to school dance they were planning. I snorted, letting her know I wasn't interested. She looked surprised.

"You don't like to dance? You look so...I don't know, you just have a dancer's body." She shrugged, shaking her pixie cut from side to side. "That probably sounded creepy."

I smiled, silently telling her it was alright. I was a little suspicious as to how she knew I was a performer, but I decided to shake it off. I wasn't a performer anymore. Dance, music, art...it was all in the past. And that was where it was going to stay, whether I wanted it to or not.

"Okay, it looks like you've gotten through most of the required classes already. So, all you really have left is English, Science and Gym. But...you're excused from that?" She asked scrunching up her nose after she read the attachment note on my schedule. I nodded, looking over at a poster for Glee Club. It was so strange that I used to be the chorus girl, putting up the posters before all of this happened.

"Lucky! I still have it and we're in the tennis course right now." She whined, flipping through my papers. "But your day should end pretty early. Your lunch is actually optional."

I smiled to myself, enjoying that fact. That meant I could leave and get back to my own little world before noon. But I was also a little disappointed. This whole education ordeal was so I could get better. Not for me to leave before I even had the chance to recover. For some reason, this simple complication made me want to curl up on the floor. But Alice's presence kept me from making a disturbing scene.

"Well, here's your first class." She said, stopping in front of a door. "Sorry we didn't get to talk more. I'd love for you sit with us at lunch, if you're still here."

I stared at her, contemplating the pros and cons. Alice was a cheery person, her company might pull me out if this funk. Maybe if I stuck with her, things would chance. I nodded after a moment of thought, smiling softly. Her dimples showed as her grin widened.

"Great! I'll save you a seat." She promised, before glancing at the clock. "Oh, I didn't realize the time. I have to get back to my class, or I'll probably get in all sorts of trouble. I'll be here before you get out, though, I promise. Bye, Bella!"

I waved, weakly, before turning back towards the door. I heard her skipping down the hallway to another door, before I finally inhaled, breathing in the familiar air. I opened the door, slowly, cringing as all eyes turned to find me face. I kept my eyes on the ground, walking to the man in the front of the room and handing him my note. I shied away from his touch, stepping back a foot when he reached out for the paper. He scanned over it, curiously, before looking down at me through his wire rimmed glasses.

"Ah, Isabella, our new student. Why don't you go over and sit down next to Mr. Newton? I'm sure he can get you caught up." He said, pointing to a spikey haired boy in the back of the room. He immediately scooted his books over, giving me a bewildered smile. I felt my eyes widen. I turned back to the teacher, taking the note from him, frantically. I pointed to the bottom of the page, showing him the special line, the most important thing on the page.

_Isabella is not comfortable around male students. It would be in her best interest to keep her seated near females at all times. Thank you._

The teacher cleared his throat, waving his hand in a dismissing motion. "Scratch that. You can sit next to Miss Stanley. Miss Stanley, please raise your hand."

I curly haired girl across the room from 'Mr. Newton' raised her hand, giving me a sickly sweet smile. The desks were set up in tables and that sort of threw me for a loop. I hadn't been in this sort of seating arrangement since the third grade. But I sat down next to the girl, swiftly pulling out my chair and seating myself in one sweep. Across from me were two blondes, both incredibly busty, both giving me the same sneer. Stanley turned to me, presenting her faded yellow teeth.

"Hey, I'm Jessica. You're Isabella, right?" She asked, smacking her gum. I did my best to ignore the staring, nodding as I pulled out a notebook from my bag. "Where are you from?"

I stayed silent, focusing on the paper in front of me. They waited, impatiently for me to say something, before the girl across from Jessica snorted.

"Do you speak?" She demanded in a nasal voice. I looked up at her, giving her my best look of death. It seemed to work, because her eyes widened she quickly turned her attention to the teacher. The girl across from me sniffed, mouthing something I didn't see to Jessica. She snickered, covering her mouth with her dirty hand.

I tuned into myself, taking a deep breath. I was in and I was safe for the time being. I felt a pair of eyes staring at me from behind and I glanced over my shoulder. Newton was staring at the back of my head, but he looked away as soon as he saw me notice him. A faint blush graced his cheeks and I almost wanted to roll my eyes, but I resisted the urge. There was no need to let the silly boys of Forks High School raise any flags from me.

The boys in Phoenix were good for nothing. The pain all came from them, whether it was physical or emotional. They came and went, never checking to make sure I was okay. The monster, his friends, their sons. Everyone and anyone took advantage of my vulnerability and I was not about to let that happen here. Mom wouldn't have been any help, even if I asked her to. She was too wrapped up in her own misery to care about mine. But Dad would step in, whether I wanted him to or not. With Mom, my attitude was 'I won't do it and you can't make me'. I had no reason to rebel here. My goal had been reached and there was no one holding me back. I could be free.

But I would never be free.

No matter how badly I wanted to be.

* * *

Lunch came quickly. I was debating on whether or not to escape to my home, but Alice had seemed so excited for me to sit with them. I had promised to meet her in the cafeteria and I had a feeling she would be offended if I left without saying goodbye. On my way to the lunch room, I told myself I was only going to show her I was leaving. But I knew, subconsciously, that once I got there, Alice wasn't going to let me leave.

I stood in the double doorway, blocking other people's entrance. They shoved past me, muttering under their breath, but I stayed rooted in my place, scanning the room for Alice. When she spotted me, she stood up on her chair and waved her hands around, signaling me over. I winced, making my way over to her, avoiding the touch of those around me. I got many stares as I passed by, from everyone including Jessica and Newton, who's name was Mike, I had learned. He gave me an infatuated look, ogling me with wide blue eyes, making me close within myself. Alice jumped down off her chair when I reached them and pulled out the seat next to her, with a grin.

"Guys, this is Bella! Bella, this is Angela and Ben, my two best friends. Besides you, I mean." She said, shrugging her shoulders as I sat down. Best friend? I had known her for a total of four hours and was already making us charm bracelets? That's rather odd, I decided grimly.

The girl, Angela, gave me a warm smile and reached her hand across the table. "Hey, Bella. Alice has told us a ton about you. And don't worry, the whole silence thing doesn't bother us."

I wasn't worried about whether it bothered them, I thought angrily. I wasn't worried about anyone but myself and the baby. Ben nodded, agreeing with Angela's statement. Alice looked between the three of us, brightly and eagerly. I gave them all a curt nod, acknowledging their words. I wrapped myself tighter in the jacket, pulling my arms in to wrap around my stomach. I ran my hands across my stomach, stopping to feel the tiny curve of my baby.

"So, Bella, you like pizza, right?" Alice asked, bouncing in her seat. She reminded me of a small child, innocence shown in her hazel eyes and happiness in her wide, lovable smile. I nodded, uncertainly. I wasn't sure exactly where she was getting at, but it was bound to be a road I was not prepared to travel.

"That's great! We were just talking about our annual Friday night mini party and I was wondering if you might want to come?" She asked, hopefully. Angela nodded.

"Yeah, Bella. It'll be a lot of fun." She said, insistently, biting into her sandwich. It looked tuna and I wrinkled my nose. Smelled like tuna too, I thought. I raised an eyebrow around the table, wondering what a 'mini party' actually entailed. Ben seemed to pick up on my question, because he went into an explanation quickly.

"Every Friday night, Alice, Angela and I meet at the Cullen house to hang out. We usually order pizza and rent movies. It sounds kind of lame, but it's a lot of fun." He said, shyly. Alice put her hands in a position as if she were praying and gave me a wide eyed look. I looked down at the table, avoiding their intense gazes. I shut my eyes and prayed silently to myself that Alice would pick up on my discomfort and stop looking at me. I didn't want to be scrutinized, I felt like I was under a microscope. Like _we _were under a microscope.

I wasn't sure about this. Usually I would take some time to think about it, but I could tell they were expecting an answer right away. It was Tuesday though, and that meant I had two whole days left to dwell on it. Alice was so nice and the other two looked really friendly. But I just didn't know if I was ready to go back to being a teenager. I would never be a teenager again, I sneered in my head. I would now forever be a Mother, a role model. An adult. If I were to start partying again, I just might turn out like Mom. And that was not a path I was willing to take. I looked back up at everyone with one eye. They waited, patiently. It made feel all the more comfortable. I felt myself visibly relax, something foreign and unusual these days.

I finally nodded to Alice, who squealed and clapped her hands. "Yes! We are going to have so much fun!"

Angela laughed at Alice's enthusiasm, but agreed with her. "You'll love Alice's house. It's humongous." She said, moving on to open her yogurt. I nervously rubbed my baby under the table, wondering idly if they could see me. Why did they even want me there? It wasn't like I was such great company, I mean, I hadn't spoken one word in two months. Were they just trying to be nice? I wasn't used to kids being nice to me. Back in Phoenix, I was either a source of amusement or a fuck toy. Usually, it was gender separated and I was amusing to the girls. Though, I had a few boys bring their girlfriends to some of the escapades. Or, as..._she _called it, sexcapades.

I wondered what _she _was doing. Did she miss me? Probably not, I decided sadly. She was probably having fun her senior year, spending time with Tanya, relieved to be rid of me and all of my problems. But she was my best friend, another part of my argued. The devil on my shoulder rolled her eyes. Used to be your best friend, she spat. Before you went all psycho fucking crazy and went and got yourself raped. Who wants to hang out with someone like that? Certainly not me, I saw her in my head, saying with that perfect sneer I knew so well. You're just a fucking nut job, Bella Swan. I found myself nodding, agreeing with her. It wasn't until and small hand was waved in front of my face, was I brought back to reality.

"Are you okay?" Alice asked, her perfectly waxed eyebrows scrunching together. I stood up, nodding vigorously. I picked my bag up off the floor, shaking my head, in a 'don't worry about it' motion. She stood up with me, confused. I pointed to the door, shrugging with what I hoped was an apologetic expression. Just let me leave, I pleaded in my mind. Let me fucking go. The irony in that statement made me want to laugh. But tears were threatening to spill over and I needed to get out of there, quick.

I turned on my heel and nearly ran out of the cafeteria, bumping into a group of girls on their way to the bathroom. They protested as I cut through them, stumbling out to the parking lot in a flurry of tears. Dad had dropped me off this morning, I remembered. I didn't even have a motherfucking car. So, I settled for kicking someone else's Volvo, repeatedly until my foot ached and I moved on to the other one. Tears spilled over, running down my cheeks. There weren't a lot of kids out at this time, most enjoying lunch with their friends. I discovered myself limping home, forgetting about the Volvo and my lack of transportation. I had legs. I would use them.

_She _would have given me a ride. Everyday, no matter when I left or where I was heading, she offered me a ride. She ignored the snickers, she dodged the rude remarks. Every single day, she found me one way or another and offered me a ride. And every single day, I turned her down. I hadn't wanted to be around her. She might talk me out of the stupid things I planned, she might make me forget about the rebellion, if only for a moment. She nevergave up on me. She never made me feel like I had to be someone I wasn't. She was my very best friend and I left her in the dust. No wonder I couldn't even think her name, let alone work up the nerve to say it, even to myself. I had no right to utter her name. I had no fucking right at all. She made that perfectly clear on that horrible day, that horrible day that all of this started. The day my baby was forcefully conceived.

She had been my best friend for years. We grew up together, we discovered ourselves together. She was there the day I got my first boyfriend, she was there the day I got my period. She knew all of my secrets, all of my dark dwellings that I could share with no one else. She knew how badly I wanted to be away from Mom. She knew how much I loved my Dad and how much I wanted to be near him. She knew what went on in that house. She knew all about the monster, she had seen his tirades with her own eyes. She iced my black eye, she bandaged up my wounds. She let me cry on her shoulder and the only thing I ever did for her was leave. I left her behind. What kind of a friend does that? A shitty one, I thought. Not a real friend. Not someone that really gave a fuck about you. A worthless, good for nothing excuse for a human being.

That was me.

I was a worthless, good for nothing excuse for a human being.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, everyone! Happy Wednesday. I have a question before we get on with the story. I read this really amazing fic and I can't think of the name. Bella was dating Carlisle after he left Esme and his kids. He's an alcohalic and Bella had no idea that he had been cheating on his wife with her. Edward hates her, but she ends up falling for him and wanting to leave Carlisle. That's all I remember. Any help? I hope you like it. It took fucking forever. Review!**

* * *

I got home that day by one o'clock. Dad wasn't home and I wasn't surprised. When I first decided that I wanted to move in with Dad, Mom had tried to warn me off with stories about his absence and how lonely she had been. I ignored them, convincing myself that I would be okay. Dad and I were practically the same person. But he was a man and I was a woman. And I was a fuck up. He was a police officer. Kind of a contradiction, huh? I tossed my bag to the floor and fell down with it. I leaned back against the door, closing my eyes and giving a small sigh. The house was empty and so was I. The dried tears on my face made my skin feel tight. I stood up after a moment of silent and winced as I felt the pain in my feet. I stumbled up the stairs and into the bathroom, grabbing a towel out of the linen closet on the way.

I turned the shower on, letting it warm up before I undressed. I shed my restrictive clothing and basked in the joy of being naked. This was the closest I could get to being free of my problems. Free of my clothing. I stepped into the tub, standing for a moment, before my legs gave out and I had to sit down. The weight of the water pouring down on me felt like tears from heaven. I had no energy to actually wash myself, so I stayed unmoving under the spray of water, letting it wash away my sins. I looked down at my stomach, wondering what the baby might think if it saw me like this. Would it be disappointed it had such a weak Mother? Or would they understand the suffering?

I never wanted this baby to understand my misery. I never wanted them to be unhappy. They deserved a better life, no matter what they were or who they were. I had a secret fear the baby would hate me for letting myself get raped like I did. What was the matter with me? If I hadn't been so stupid to walk home alone, drunk nonetheless, it never would have happened. Maybe I would have gotten home in time to stop Mom, or throw the fucking pills away. Maybe I wouldn't have to feel this guilt, this overwhelming pain that haunted me like a spirit. I was damaged, I finally realized. And I needed to fix myself. For the sake of the baby. For the sake of my sanity.

There was a banging on the door and I jumped. Dad's voice rang through, a slightly panicked tremor in his voice. My eyes widened and I realized the water was icy and weakening. I must have been in there forever, I thought. I leaned over and turned the water off, shivering as the air turned cold and goose bumps rose on my skin. I stood up on shaky legs and reached for the towel on the toilet seat and wrapped myself in it, before opening the bathroom door a crack. Dad was standing there with his gun belt still on, looking through the slant worriedly. I opened it all the way and he gasped. I must have looked like a drowned rat.

"Why didn't you call me to come pick you up? It's freezing." He said, ushering me into my room. When I stumbled and my towel almost fell open, he stepped back and covered his eyes. I limped into my bedroom, shutting the door with a click behind me. I dried myself off, focusing on the slight curve between my stomach and my vagina, almost like I was drying the baby. Once I was dry, I pulled on an oversized sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants before stepping out into the hallway. Dad was waiting where I left him, with his hands still over his eyes. He took them away, slowly, before seeing I was clothed. I started to walk over to him, but I tripped over my numb foot and he caught me with a grunt.

He looked down at my foot and his breath caught in his throat. "Bella, what did you do?" He asked, leaning down on one knee to get a better look at it. I kept my eyes on that wall across from me. "This could be sprained."

I shook my head. It's just a little twisted, I wanted to tell him. Kind of like my head. But I stayed quiet, letting him inspect my injury like a concerned Father. He looked up at me with a pained look in his eyes. He thought I did this on purpose. He thought I wanted to hurt myself, I realized. No, Daddy, I would never put my baby at risk. I was just letting out my anger. Perhaps we should invest in a punching bag.

Dad sighed, standing up. He held on to my shoulders and looked me square in the eye. "You have an appointment with the counselor tomorrow at two o'clock. It's on going, so you'll go every Wednesday until we decide you're stable."

I resented that. I was stable. Granted, I wasn't very happy, but I was stable. I wasn't some sort of Jack Nicholson in The Shining type lunatic. I could be normal. One day, I could be normal. Dad took a deep breath and hung his head.

"I don't think you should keep the baby." He said, meekly. "You're in pain, sweetheart. This baby would just be a reminder of- Bella!"

But it was too late. I turned away and slammed my bedroom door shut as I fell on to the floor, heaving. Get rid of it? Turn it over to someone else like it was recyclable? No. Never. I would never let this baby feel unimportant. This baby kept me going. Without the knowledge I would soon be a Mother...I would have no reason to even be alive. I would not be my Mother. She abandoned her baby. I could not do that. I would not make the same mistakes she did. I would not be her.

Out of nowhere, I felt the overwhelming urge to heave. Bile rose in my throat and the very little I had eaten that day rose up my throat. It spilled out on to the floor and kept coming up until I was laying face first in it, unable at move. I was numb. The pain was taking over and I just wanted to lie here forever in a puddle of my own misery, drowning in sorrow. But I knew this could not happen. Dad was still banging on the door, demanding I open up. I sobbed into the floor and ignored the slimy feeling of the bile waste all over my body.

Why didn't he just kill me? I would rather be dead physically then emotionally. Physically, you were always gone. There was no bouncing back. Emotionally...you were expected to recover. And I just didn't see that happening.

* * *

The next day, I woke up in a cold sweat, still on the floor. I was caked in my own bile and I felt myself getting sick again. I stood up and ignored my aching foot, racing to the bathroom. Dad was asleep in the hallway and I ran by him, barely making it to the toilet in time to empty the contents of my stomach again. There was barely anything in there, but water and crackers. Dad woke up at some point and came in to hold back my hair, whispering soothing words of comfort to me as I shifted between crying and puking. When it was over, I reached up and flushed the toilet, setting my forehead on the edge of the seat. Dad started the shower, pulling me up. I knew he wanted to put me in there, but he had no idea how to go about undressing his seventeen year old daughter. I waved him away, pulling my shirt over my head as he turned away. He closed the door with a click and I stepped into the shower, nude except for the mask of shame that consistently presented itself on my face.

When I was out of the shower and away from my thoughts, I gladly noted Dad was back in his room before getting dressed. I pulled on a pair of loose jeans and the large jacket I wore yesterday. It had been _her _brother's jacket back home. He had been a dear friend of mine and had given me the jacket to wear on the night of the attack. I hadn't really had the heart to take it off. It was like it was a part of me now and if I had to give it up...I may scream. I pulled on my shoes, feeling the stinging pain as they contrasted with the soft quilting of my bed. I bit back a grunt of pain as I stood up and wobbled down the stairs. Dad met me at the door, offering me an apple. I reluctantly took it, before shoving it in my bag for lunch later that day.

"Your appointment is at the hospital," Dad told me, uncomfortably on the way to school. "I made you a...lady appointment or whatever they're called for the baby. I read somewhere that you should go once a month, but I don't know if that's right. I got you one just to be sure."

I nodded, silently telling him he was right. The nurses told me the same thing at the hospital in between their warnings of pregnancy and disease. I had secretly done research lately too, on products of rape. I read somewhere that babies that are the product of rape need to see a doctor more frequently than normal children. That made me sick, knowing that the way my baby was conceived would follow them for the rest of their lives. I wanted them to branch out from this. I wanted them to be better then me, then my Mother. I wanted them to make a good life for themselves and their family, whenever they decided to have one.

"Call me today when you need to get picked up." Dad said, softly as I went to climb out of the car. "I'll look into getting you a car sometime this week."

I walked into the school and was surprised to find Alice waiting by the doors. She spotted me instantly and ran over to give me a hug, but stopped when she saw the dark circles under my eyes. I knew they were worse then they were yesterday, but I shook my head, telling her not to worry. She still had a suspicious look in her eyes. I followed her to my homeroom, which she stayed in, for fear of leaving me alone. She checked with the teacher, who gave her the okay. I actually think the teacher was a bit frightened of me. I know Lauren and Jessica had already spread the rumor that I was rabid and I had threatened to bite Lauren in English.

It was better then everyone knowing I was pregnant.

Mom would've had a heart attack if she knew I had gotten pregnant. I wonder if she was frowning at me now, from wherever she was. Whether it was Heaven or Hell or somewhere in between. Wherever she was, I knew she would be happy that I was unhappy.

"Bella?" Alice said as I stood in the doorway of my English class. "Are you going in?"

I nodded, giving her a reassuring smile. I stepped, avoiding Mike who was drooling at me from across the room and Jessica who was chatting him up with a straight view of her breasts. It was sickening how jealous she was of me, even though I had no desire to seduce Mike, despite her beliefs. I took my seat across from Lauren and the girl I had learned was named Katie, pulling out my notebook like I had yesterday. Lauren snorted as I began to write down what the teacher was saying, but his words quickly morphed into my thoughts and before I knew it, the bell had rung and I had filled up twelve whole pages. Jessica was still shamelessly flirting with Mike, who was still shamelessly staring at me. I stood up and followed the rest of the kids out of the room, heading to Science like Alice had showed me. We had that class together and she had requested that her and I were seated next to each other to avoid any awkward encounters with the opposite sex. But, alas, Mike was in this class with this friend, Tyler.

"Hey, Bella, right?' Mike stuttered, coming up to me. "I'm Mike."

"Oh my gosh, Katie, what a cute thong!" Alice said, squealing a little bit. Mike whipped his head around and Alice snorted. "Sit down, horn dog."

Mike glared at her and went back to his seat, eyeing me the whole way. I shivered and without meaning to, I scooted closer to Alice. She scooted closer to me too, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Don't let him scare you, Bella. He's a cheese ball."

I snorted, agreeing with her. I stuck my hand in my jacket, rubbing the baby out of anxiety. Alice passed me a note once the class started, leaving me a little surprised. I scanned over it, curiously.

_I know you won't talk to me...but, will you write to me?_

I smiled at her persistence. But could I write to her? I didn't speak for fear of revealing my secrets, my guilt. But writing was speaking on paper. Would I reveal my guilt on paper? I looked down at the paper and at the small pen in my hands. Could I do it? I was so full of self doubt. I knew I was strong before all of this. Couldn't I find the strength in me again?

No.

I shook my head at Alice, sadly. She pouted her lips and brought the paper back to her with a huff. She scribbled something down in her girlish writing and slipped it back to me with a sigh.

_Fine. But can I still talk to you like this?_

I nodded, letting her have at least this fun. She gave a bright smile and continued to write.

_I want to ask why you don't talk, but I'm not sure how you would answer. My brother always tells me to mind my own business, but I want to know._

I read this, gulping. I looked into her deep hazel eyes and shook my head. You can't know, I thought. You would hate me like everyone back in Phoenix. You would hate me as much as _her. _You would hate me for being so stupid, you would hate me for bringing an innocent child into my mess. You would hate me. She stuck out her bottom lip in a pout and tilted her head to the side. I felt myself growing weaker. She looked so childish, it was strangely unnerving. I shook my head again, tapping the paper. Write something else, I wanted to plead. Let me feel normal for just another minute.

_If I guess, will you nod if I'm right?_

I thought about it. What was the harm? I mean, it wasn't as if she would ever guess that my Mother killed herself because I was a selfish brat and I got myself raped out of pure stupidity.

_Were you abused as a child?_

I shook my head. I felt terribly deprived with my Mother, but never abused. Unless you count the monster.

_Were you molested?_

Molested? No, I suppose not. There were a few inappropriate brushes of the flesh with the monster, but nothing real. It was only ever crude remarks and squeezes in the night. It was never anything I couldn't handle. I shook my head again.

_Were you born mute or something?_

I smiled, looking up at her. I shook my head, but gave her a look that told her that was a good guess. She sensed she was getting closer, I knew, but she was getting farther away. I almost felt hopeful she would guess the right thing, so I could get it off my chest.

_Are you-_

The bell rang, signaling the end of class. Everyone rushed out of the room and I felt the brightness of the lights as they went on. Mr. Banner rolled the television back to the corner, and I realized we must have been watching a movie. Alice looked just as surprised, putting the note in her purse, like she was saving it for a rainy day. She held her arm out, hoping for me to loop mine through. I felt horrible, but I walked ahead of her, ignoring the offer. I wasn't ready for that kind of close contact yet. She skipped behind me, catching up without a word.

"I'm beginning to think you don't like me." She murmured sadly, in my ear. I spun around in the middle of the whole way and frantically shook my head at her with wide eyes. You're the closest thing I have to a friend here, I wanted to yell. We could be best friends if I wasn't such a fucking nut job. She smiled instantly, glad I had denied the accusation. She held her arm out again and I tucked my arm into my jacket, feeling the baby. I gave her pleading eyes, hoping she would catch on to my comfort level. Her mouth opened in the shape of an 'o' and she nodded.

"You _really _don't like to be touched." She said, the reality of it dawning on her. "You know, there's a name for that."

I snorted. Yeah, it was called trauma in my case, Alice. I didn't just feel jumpy around men because the...thing...that did that to me, stuck it in from behind. I didn't know what he was. I saw nothing, I passed out like a coward. There could have been a women with him. It could have been a transsexual. Though I doubted one would be able to get me pregnant. I didn't know. There was a world full of endless possibilities as to what was going on behind me and it made me want to hide in the corner. I was no help to the police. I didn't see his face. I didn't see anything but the cold, hard ground and the inside of my eyelids.

Alice left to go to Calculus and I wandered the halls, until I had to check in with Coach Clapp. I was excused from the class, but I was still supposed to let him know I was there. I was told that he would need my help with papers and equipment, but Coach seemed to be so uncomfortable around me that he just told me to find something to do. I usually sat on the bleachers while they ran on the track, thinking. I spent a lot of this time thinking about my Mother.

She loved to dance. She would dance all night long in her old, beautiful ballerina slippers. They were a dusty lilac color, and the ribbons that wrapped around her legs made her look like a true ballerina. She would hum songs from her childhood, entertaining on the monster's order. I know why the caged bird sings, she once told me after a night of dancing. She sat on the edge of my bed, wiping away my tears and hushing my sobs. The caged bird sings because it's begging to be let out. Mom was begging to be let out and she was jealous I wasn't being held in.

My Nana was a saint. I remember sitting in her lap, rocking back and forth in the old wooden chair in front of my bed. She would whisper stories about the old country and rub my hair until I stopped crying. She would hum my lullaby, my hallelujah lullaby, until morning came and all was well. I sometimes wished Mom was more like her. More soothing, more lovable, more generous. But she was my Mom, Nana told me. No one could replace your Mother. But I could actually think of a few wonderful people that would work well in her place. Hannibal would be a fine example, I thought bitterly. I would have eaten a human liver if it meant finally leaving that terrible prison. I would have done anything. But I would have never killed my Mother.

After Nana passed, Mom stayed up with me at night and sang me the hallelujah lullaby. She wasn't as soft as Nana, but it got me to sleep. I became dependant on it, insisting she sing it every night until I was fourteen and she met the monster. That was when all things beautiful disappeared and Hell was raised in our home. It slowly turned into a dungeon, leaving all things homey in the fire the monster lit. Most would call it teenage angst, but I really felt like I was trapped in Hell.

And it still felt like I was never getting out.

* * *

Lunch came around sooner then expected and Alice waved me over the same way she had yesterday. She frowned on my small snack and offered me some of her chips. I shook my head, turning down the generous offer. I didn't need any pity. Angela and her started chatting about what movies we were going to rent for Friday night, and Ben eventually joined in. Apparently, he was dying to see some new movie about an alien taking over the minds of all humans. It sounded a little too sci-fi for my blood, but Angela told him they would look for it. Alice was insisting they get Confessions of a Shopaholic. Angela groaned when she said this.

"No, Alice. We got that the last time!" She whined, spooning some yogurt into her mouth. Alice pouted.

"But you fell asleep before you saw the end." She said, crossing her arms. "Bella likes that movie. Right, Bella?"

I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders, indicating I had never seen it. Alice's mouth fell open and she squealed. "See, Angie! We have to get it. Oh my God, we have a shopaholic virgin."

I turned my head away at the mention of virgins. Angela noticed my comfort level and shook her head. "No, Alice. We're getting Practical Magic and that's it."

I tried to relax myself, but being so close to Mike was making me uncomfortable. He chair was pushed back so that he was sitting next to me, but still at his own table. He kept brushing his hip against mine and making small whimpering noises, like a kitten. Was that supposed to be sexy? Because he sounded like a cat. I scooted so far away from him that I was nearly in Alice's lap. The funny thing?

She didn't mind. She just let me sit there.

* * *

I left soon after for my appointment. It was such a tiny town, walking from school to the hospital was only ten minutes. My foot was feeling a little better since Dad wrapped it up that morning, but I still limped the whole day. The hospital was a large, stark white building with large red letters painted on the side.

**Forks County Medical Center**

I walked in, wrapping my arms around myself. The last time I was in a hospital, it after the attack. I walked quickly up to the receptionist and cleared my throat. I slipped her my appointment card and she nodded, confused at my silence.

"Room 456," She said. "2nd floor, Psyche wing. Dr. Carlisle Cullen."

Cullen? It wasn't a very common last name and it was a pretty small town, so there was a good chance that him and Alice were related. I nearly groaned at the thought. Alice was my only friend here, besides Angela and Ben. I wouldn't even call any of them friends. They were schoolmates, kids I could kid sit with and not be pressured to speak. They were people I felt comfortable with, as far as that can possibly go. I stood in the elevator by myself, covering my nose and closing my eyes. It smelled like death, I thought. It smelled like sickness and suffering.

I got to the second floor soon enough and followed the orange tape on the ground to room 456. It was a small hallway, darker then the others, but still very flueorescent. I knocked on the door, softly. There was a small sigh and I heard a snap, like a phone hanging up. I was a little miffed that Dad got me an appointment with a man. I mean, it wasn't as if I would ever talk to anyone about it, but it would feel less awkward if I was sitting in silence with another women. The door opened and a tall, older blonde man stood there in the doorway with a smile. He looked down at me, appraisingly.

"You must be Isabella. Please, I've been looking forward to seeing you. Your Father has told me a lot." He said, moving away so I could walk into the room. I brushed by him, cringing. Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me. He smelled very familiar and I sniffed the air, silently. I felt like an animal, I snorted, as I sat down on the small leather chair across from a large couch. Dr. Cullen seemed thrown off that I sat in the chair and not the couch, but he let it slide. I would not be the stereotypical crazy person, analyzed on a couch while the good doctor wrote down notes about my mental health on a medical pad.

"Your Father told me that you weren't very talkative these days," He said, sitting down on the couch across from me. "Care to tell me about that?"

So we were jumping right in? I shook my head, looking down at my feet. Dr. Cullen made a hmm sound and crossed his legs.

"Isabella, your Father filled me in on most all of your situation. Would you like to tell me yourself?" He asked, curiously. I shook my head. He nodded. "Alright. Well, then, I'd like to say it back for you and make sure everything is correct."

He took a breath and I gulped. "You were raped back home in Pheonix the night your Mother killed herself. She was in an abusive relationship with a certain Mr.-"

I shot up and shook my head, frantically. I covered my ears, squeezing my eyes still, still moving my hair from side to side. Dr. Cullen made a shushing sound and tried to calm me.

"It's fine, I won't say his name. Isabella, I'm not sure how I'm going to help if you won't speak though. Will you write your words down for me?" He asked, patiently. I gave him a sad, withering look. He sighed. "I think we might have jumped into this a little soon. Why don't I tell you a little about myself? Would that make you more comfortable?"

I nodded, gratefully. He smiled.

"My name is Carlisle Cullen, I am forty two years old. I have a wife and three children. Edward is the oldest, Emmett is the middle and Alice is the baby." He said, calmly. My ears perked up at Alice's mention. He seemed to notice. "You go to school with Alice, don't you?"

I nodded. He looked knowing.

"She's mentioned you. Apparently you are quite the lab partner." He chuckled. "Anyway, my wife is an interior decorator and Edward owns his own business. Emmett is in his senior year of college at Stanford on a football scholarship. Alice, as you know, is still in high school. Do you have any brothers or sisters, Isabella?"

I had a feeling he knew the answer, but I shook my head anyway. I used to think of _her _as a sister, but all of that had changed. I had no one now.

"You must be terribly lonely," He noted. "Do you have very many friends?"

I shrugged, giving him a small smile. Alice was my only friend. And Ben and Angela, I suppose. But no one else really made an effort. I guess if I want friends, I should put myself out there, but I was content in my shell. Dr. Cullen had amusement shown in his eyes.

"You have fears of making friends." He realized. "You're afraid you aren't good enough for friends."

I hung my head, ashamed. He sighed.

"Oh, Isabella, you're very wrong. The little streams make the big rivers." He said, tutting me with his pencil.

And suddenly I was relaxed. Nana used to say that, I thought. She used to say all these odd little proverbs her Mother taught her. Maybe he's French, I decided. Either way, I found myself nestling into the chair like it was exactly where I belonged.

* * *

The week past uneventfully. It was slow and I often found myself drifting farther and farther into my head, but Dad always pulled me out. I noticed Alice elbowed me regularly at lunch and in Science, making sure I was still all there. It was comforting to know I had people watching out for me, but it was still strange. In Phoenix , Mom just let me do whatever I want. She didn't care who I was with or where I was, as long as I was still in Phoenix , suffering along side her. It was Friday and Alice called Dad yesterday to ask about the mini party. He seemed surprised that I had accepted an invitation so soon.

"You really want to go?" He asked, running a hand through his hair. I nodded, slowly. He grunted and shook his head. "That's fine with me. It's good to see you making friends. Alice Cullen is a good girl, never gets in a lick of trouble."

With that settled, Alice told me she would come by and pick me up around five thirty on Friday night. Angela mentioned something about it usually running into Saturday night, so I brought some extra extra clothes just in case. Ben wasn't allowed to stay the night, but he stayed pretty late, Alice informed me. Usually he left around two or three, before coming back for breakfast in the morning. We all thought that was pretty unnecessary, but Angela's Dad was a Reverend at the local Catholic church and he didn't like the idea of Ben and Angela anywhere near each other past midnight. But her Mom let it slide. I waited on the porch steps with my bag, holding the baby in a cradle, the best I could. It wasn't big enough to hold completely in my arms, but it was growing. I was getting really tired of calling it, well, it though. But I wouldn't find out the gender for at least another month and a half. Maybe even two.

Alice pulled up in a shiny silver Volvo, honking her horn. She waved at Dad, who was standing by the door and winked at me as I got in. "Hey, Bella. Long time, no see." She joked, pulling out of the driveway. "I hope your hungry, because my Mom got enough pizza to feed an army."

I nodded, giving her a weak smile. I noticed she had been driving this car all week, but Ben mentioned something yesterday about her car being in the shop. I tapped the seat, giving her a confused look. It took her a few seconds to catch on. "Oh! You're wondering if this is my car. No, I would never buy a Volvo. It's my brother's, he's visiting for the next few months. He's in the middle of a divorce and his bitch took over the house with her new boy toy."

\

I nodded, like I understood. I knew divorce very well, I recalled. The screaming, the smashing, the tears. All of this was me, keep in mind. Mom and Dad were much worse. I'd always wondered why my parents divorced, but I guess in the end, some people just aren't compatible. Mom swears that Dad was an over worked ladies man, drooling at every piece of ass that went by. But Dad always told me it had nothing to do with their feelings. They just weren't meant to be. Explaining this to an eight year old is kind of hard, so I pretty much formed my own opinion as I grew older in Phoenix. I begged Mom to let me stay with Dad, but she had insisted that I would need her soon for growing up, period related things. Turns out, I was always the one going out and buying her tampons and making sure we had Midol that time of the month. Not her.

"Angela is running late and Ben doesn't go anywhere without her, so it's just you and me for now." She chirped, driving down the rainy road like it was L.A. She had on big, bug eye sunglasses and her lips were pursed in a flirty pose. She kind of looked like the Aamco girl. "My brother refused to leave the house tonight, so we'll just have to deal with him. I hope you don't mind. I know your kind of shifty around men."

I shook my head, crossing my arms over my chest. It was no problem, I told myself. Besides, Alice knew I wasn't good around men that weren't familiar, so she would be able to sense if I was uncomfortable. She turned down a dirt road that lead to the wooded area and I scrunched my eyebrows. Where were we going?

"I live in a kind of secluded area." She said, shrugging. "My Dad had this house built for us when Mom got pregnant with me. He wanted us to grow up somewhere safe, but Mom wanted extravagance. I guess they kind of compromised."

We pulled up in front of a huge glass castle in the middle of a cleared circle. There was a long garden on the side of the house, where the walls were completely glass. The front was brown stone, but it had large glass windows that allowed you to look into the whole property. It was amazing. I looked at Alice in awe. She giggled, clapping her hands. "I knew you would like it!"

She got out of the car and I slowly followed her lead, gripping my bag with one hand and my stomach with the other. I knew it would raise some suspicion if I did this in the house, so I begrudgingly let go of my stomach and walked with as much confidence as I could, up the Cullen walk. Alice skipped beside me, before we came to the front door and she swung it open with surprising force. She gave me a sheepish look.

"Sometimes it gets stuck." She apologized, dragging me inside. She took my bag and set it on the long, wide stairwell, before we went into the stark white living room. She had told me earlier that day that her Dad was at a conference in Chicago, so it was just her Mom and now, apparently, her brother.

"Well, this is the living room." She said, throwing her hands in the air. "I can't wait to show you my room, but Mom is dying to meet you first. Mom!"

There was a clicking of heels and suddenly, a petite caramel haired women entered the room, holding a dish towel. "Alice, I'm a bit busy."

"But Mom," Alice huffed. "You said you wanted to meet Bella."

She had a moment of recognition and realized I was standing there, blending into the background, she shook her head, giving me a warm, apologetic smile.

"Oh, dear, I'm so sorry." She said, drying her hands off on the towel. "I was just trying to finish up some work. Hello, I'm Esme."

I nodded, giving her my happiest smile. It felt so fake and cosmetic, I dropped it as soon as she glanced at Alice. Alice shook her head, quickly, warning her not to say anything about my silence. I instantly was struck with embarrassment, but Esme waved it off.

"Oh, there's no shame in being shy. If you don't talk, it's your decision. Are you hungry? We have pizza on the way, my son is just picking it up now." She told me, shaking my hand. Alice seemed pleased that she remembered to tell her I didn't like close contact. I could deal with a handshake, I soothed myself as I my muscles clench up.

Like clockwork, the front door opened and closed. I held my breath as whoever it was stomped through the house. I heard them go into the kitchen and throw something down on the counter. Esme sighed and ran a hand through her silky hair. Alice huffed and crossed her arms across her chest, shooting me an apologetic look. Suddenly, a flash of bronze hair appeared in the doorway and I my eyes met with a pair of glaring emerald orbs.


End file.
